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Don’t Fear the Reaper

Chapter 1: Here We Go Again

July 24 1998, Raccoon Forest

Alpha team’s chopper flew over the forest, the sun setting quickly. Not only had they lost contact with Bravo team, but there had been reports of a gigantic explosion on a mountain nearby. There was also the fact that they had managed to jack Bravo team’s personal radio line, and the last thing they managed to receive was a garbled message from Kate, presumably calling Enrico, sounding obviously agitated and definitely asking for backup. Wesker had delayed a bit, but they had eventually set out. Wesker, Jill and Chris had their Samruai Edge handguns. Barry was packing a .44 Colt Anaconda with a 10-inch barrel for no adequately-explained reason. Chris also had a combat knife clipped in his holster, and Joseph Frost was carrying a Mossberg shotgun.

“I wonder what happened to Bravo team?” Chris wondered.

“They were probably sidetracked by a completely unrelated third party that they had no jurisdiction over in the first place,” Wesker remarked. His time in Birkin’s basement had clued him into the situation, but he remained silent on that matter. Jill suddenly felt her pockets.

“Hey, Barry, where the hell are my lockpicks?” she wondered. Barry looked sheepish.

“Sorry. Borrowed them to pick some taco out of my teeth – forgot I had them in my pocket,” Barry handed them back. Jill glared at him. He shrugged, and she flinched.

“Careful gesturing with that cannon,” she snapped, indicating his massive revolver. This time he glared at her and shoved it into his shoulder holster. Jill glanced out.

“Look, Chris!” Jill indicated the crashed helicopter in the woods. Brad swiveled the chopper’s searchlight to centre on the crash site. Landing nearby, the team stepped out to investigate. Unknown to them, the previous night Kevin had decided to while away the time hacking down trees with the axe stowed under the seat. After this exertion had tired him out, he had gone to sleep in the seat while zombie Dobermans jumped out of nowhere, clawed his eyes out and wrecked his chopper’s shit. Jill suddenly inclined her head.

“What is it?” Chris asked.

“I think Kate just sent me a psychic message. It says; ‘Get the frick out of there and call the FBI’,” Jill replied.

“We’re sticking to the mission. That’s an order,” Wesker cut in. Meanwhile, Joseph was being a mute loner bastard and dicking around behind their backs. The flashlight under the barrel of his Mossberg cast weird shadows on the vegetation. He heard a growl behind him. Spinning, he was caught full in the face by a leaping zombie Doberman. He let out a blood-curdling scream. The other three officers turned to see him getting devoured by a pack of dogs. Jill, who was closest, raised her gun. She didn’t actually fire it or anything. Just aimed it. Then when one of them jumped at her, Chris popped it in the head. He then forgot about the other fourteen bullets in his gun, grabbed Jill and ran off. Chris then tripped over his own feet and another dog pulled the leap attack before being popped by Wesker. The four officers – oddly, Barry had not lent his handcannon to the party – decided not to stick around with the zombie dogs and booked it towards a mansion just visible in the distance.

“BRAD! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING!?” Chris yelled up at the helicopter above them flying away – believing that his voice could carry about three hundred metres above him and be audible over a chopper’s rotors. Brad, meanwhile, had spotted the zombie dogs and decided to gently caress that noise and leave. The four burst through the front door.

Enter the survival horror… I mean, enter the world of survival horror…



Chris lit a cigarette with his lighter and brought it to his mouth. Suddenly a Capcom executive leaped out of nowhere, ripped it out of his hands, stomped on it and slapped him. Chris looked hurt, but rolled with it.


Jill dramatically pulled back the slide of her gun, displaying her perfect manicure – which all police officers have. Also, her boobs mysteriously shrank in size, only to return to normal upon entering the mansion.


Barry loaded his Anaconda with .44 rounds. He briefly pondered if it was legal for a police officer to be packing not only a .44 revolver – a sidearm proven to be too powerful for police use – but also a wickedly out-of-control beard. He dramatically cocked his gun – which had not only changed colour, but also barrel length and model type.


Rebecca Chambers, mysteriously looking slightly Indian, tied her non-existent bandanna and staring at the camera. One would wonder where she got it – more to the point, where her heavy weaponry from the Marcus Facility had gone.


Wesker put on his sunglasses and ran his fingers through his slicked-back blond hair – which had mysteriously gone from light blond to toxic yellow for a minute or so.

“I don’t care what Redfield says,” he remarked. “My hair is fucking fantastic. Just ask Birkin, he held a contest. I was voted the best in the whole of America.”

“Ix-ney on the Irkin-Bey!” Birkin hissed.


Age: 25
Blood Type: AB+
Height: 183 cm
Weight: 90 kg

Matt scratched his head. “What the hell am I doing here? Why did a scary voice just yell my name? Why do I get the feeling that my blood type is going to be a factor later on? I like my blood when it’s in me!”


Age: 27
Blood Type: O-
Height: 165cm
Weight: 65 kg

“I’m in the same boat as Matt.” Kate said, “Why the hell is a creepy voice yelling out our biological details? How come my blood type is O-?”

She lifted her shirt and Kevlar vest a fraction, “And why is my scar tingling?”

There was a huge fiery explosion. Out of the fireball the words RESIDENT EVIL could be seen. Chris then tripped into a wormhole and came out at the Philadelphia turnpike, and began choking on the exhaust fumes. Ignoring their partner’s predicament, Jill, Wesker and Barry entered ‘the survival horror’.
And so begins RE Remake. Just for clarification, this version starts at sunset. So there. Also, the scar and blood type are Chekov's Guns [link]

Hmm, I'm now hoping to sneak a little Serious Business in just because of the sheer weight of parody. Ah well. I guess anybody who hasn't played the games has already been spoiled by the first series. It's not like Wesker actively hides his villainy. He does make up for it in every game apart from the original RE with a ridiculously badass voice. In the original he sounds like a whiny teenager. It's especially hilarious if you watch Wesker's report, when the gravelly Brit narrates with alternate cuts of 'Let me show you the Tyrant.' and "Jill/Chris... stop it! T_T'.

Note: 'Gently Caress' is a synonym/slang word for the f-bomb. Just remember - 1 f-bomb per chapter, but a whole clustergentlycaressbomb of... gently caresses.
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Patt-Ytto Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012
"decided to gently caress that noise and leave."
i died. jesus christ.
istillfunction Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2012
"Gently caress that noise"

I hope you don't mind but I will be using this from now on...forever.
Chrystalis Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2009
Just a thought: the occasional quote/reference every few chapters is ok, but try not to rely on the Let's Play thread too much. I'm seeing four or five references per chapter, which seems a bit much. Whatever happened to your original idea, anyway?

Also, nitpick: Jill does fire her gun while Joseph is being mauled. You can hear the gunshots while the camera focuses on Joseph. By the time it cuts to her, she's run out of bullets and just keeps pulling the trigger even though it's clicking empty (when will resident evil protagonists ever learn to keep track of their ammo?)
Paladin12345678 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2009
What do you mean, original idea? To start halfway through? I realized that wouldn't work since at least a little scene-setting is needed.

Sorry, I read TheDarkId's Let's Plays while writing so I get it in the right order, and he made a joke that either Jill's gun isn't loaded or she hadn't taken the safety off. But what actually happened is just as stupid. Fifteen shots at all of four dogs and they still have to run? Especially since she doesn't reload but shows up in the mansion with a full clip again.
Chrystalis Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2009
The idea about having the scientist be trying to get to his boss's office to give his two weeks notice and going through all the crazy puzzles and traps, etc. I'm just curious.

It's not really something you need to aologize for, it's just a nitpick. Or...a nit. Whatever.

Yes, the scene makes good fodder for a joke as to the strange invincibility of creatures during cutscenes.

Oh and I hope I didn't sound too harsh, this chapter was just as funny as always :D
Paladin12345678 Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2009
Oh, well it kinda turned into Matt trying to escape the mansion(s) with the other characters. Since the people who hired him a dead now :p. Maybe if I get up to Re5 Matt will reach Spencer before Wesker and hand in his resignation :p

Yeah, cutscene invincibility. Something I forgot to mention in the next chapter is Barry's ability to take two shots to kill something that is one-shotted by his weapon ingame o_O
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August 2, 2009
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