Raccoon City Mosh Pit Chp 2

Raccoon City Mosh Pit

Chapter 2: They Said There Wouldn't Be Tentacles

September 28th dawned in Raccoon City. Jill and Kate had taken shelter in a warehouse that curiously only stocked crates and paint cans. Additionally, the warehouse had no front door, and with the back door locked Kate had needed to awkwardly give Jill a boostie through a window to get in. Inside, they had met a fat man who insisted on staying locked in the warehouse munching on pie in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.

"Ok, we have to get out of here." Jill decided.

"Only now? I was having so much fun contemplating my navel!" Kate complained sarcastically.

"Look, I thought we could get out the window but it's prerendered. Anyhoo-"

"What?" the fat man butted in. "I lost my daughter! There's nobody to go get me hotpockets! That's crazy talk, woman!"

"Sorry about your daughter, but to be fair, if you don't notice a zombie chowing on your neck because you're chatting on AIM you need to reconsider your place in life." Jill responded.

"ENOUGH OF YOUR NONSENSE, WOMAN!" the man yelled. "The Twinkies told me about you, oh yes they did. The precious told me you'd lie, oh yes preciousss…" He locked himself in a freezer. Jill and Kate shared a look.

"That reminds me," Jill said suddenly. "How's Matt doing?"

"I visited him a week ago. He seemed ok. Now I'm not so sure."

"I'm sure he'll be ok." Jill looked around for the back door key.

"Ok Jill, all we'll have to do is find a pentagonal crank and then find a crank grinding machine to make it a square crank to shove into a mermaid fountain that will cough up a key that unlocks the door to another crank that needs a hexagonal crank so we'll have to find an attachment that makes the crank hexagonal and then we'll take the emblem that springs up and then solve a block puzzle-"

Jill tapped her on the shoulder. Kate turned. Jill was idly twirling the keyring on her finger.

"It was on the hook." She said simply. Kate made a face like a pufferfish gasping for air. The pair quickly shot through the door as Jill shoved a whole container of gunpowder into parts unknown. They jogged down a series of cramped, dirty alleyways in a city where main roads were so rare they may as well have had roadsigns carved from the Wood of the True Cross.

"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude…" a zombie groaned after Jill stepped over it. "I tooooootallyyyyyy saaaaaaw up her skiiiiiiirrrrtttt…."

Another zombie high-fived it. It was about the fifth cramped, dirty alleyway that Kate finally piped up.

"Seriously Jill, what's with all the seven-foot-wide streets?" she asked.

"The mayor said it was going to be a city where everyone drove Segways."

"Really? Not because Umbrella bribed him to include tiny streets For Science?"

"According to his Umbrella-approved spokesman, that's his story and he's sticking to it."

Ahead of them, a door burst open. A figure raced out the door and out of sight, half a dozen zombies on his heels.

"Who was that person?" Jill wondered, slowly plinking away at the zombies with her peashooter.

"It's Brad, Jill. Who else in the city wears a yellow vest and camo pants?" Kate answered. Jill didn't seem to hear her.

"I swear to God if this is a green herb den…" Jill muttered, descending the stairs. She opened the door to a cloud of white smoke. She could just barely make out someone in the smoke.

"Whoooooaaaahhh! Where'd all my pals go?" the man in the centre wondered.

"You do realize they were zombies." Kate said. "Right?"

Jill completely ignored the man and looted the room. Once her kleptomania had been satisfied, she left. Having discovered a shotgun in the herb den, Jill gave her handgun and knife to Kate, who combined them in her inventory screen to create the Knifegun.

"Come on Jill, it's just Brad, can't we ignore him and just leave?" Kate persisted. She noticed that Jill was very good at ignoring her when it suited her. Then the two of them passed a boutique, and the clothes caught Kate's eye. She hauled Jill back by the arm, and hurled a garbage can through the window.

"Kate, what the hell?" Jill protested.

"You're changing clothes." Kate said, pointing into the boutique. "Now."

"We're in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, what do clothes matter?" Jill cried.

"I don't think an outfit stolen from a Thai hooker is the best zombie-slaying attire!"

"Stop insulting the way I dress!" The two women broke off from their argument as more gunshots rang out. Following the source past some zombies playing hopscotch, they entered a bar to discover that the chickenheart himself Brad had let a zombie corner him in the middle of an empty bar. Oddly enough, this is because Chief Irons also hired a UBCS member to teach S.T.A.R.S their winning tactics; split up, back yourself into corners and fire wildly. After Brad emptied his entire clip at the solitary zombie, putting several holes in the chairs, bar taps, windows and Nemesis who happened to be chilling by the window, Kate just snapped its neck.

"Why isn't someone doing something about this?" Jill asked him.

"The police aren't trained for this kind of situation, what could they do?" Brad replied.

"Fail miserably and die horrible deaths?" Kate suggested, only to be met by withering stares from both of them. "Sorry. I'm cranky today."

Brad stood up and extended a hand. "Listen, he's coming for us. We're both gonna die!"

Jill looked down. Brad's hand was on her chest. She looked pointedly at him with a stare that would've boiled a kettle.

"He'safterS.T.A.R.Smembersthere'snoescapeBYE!" Brad managed to say as he broke the sound barrier escaping the bar. Jill shrugged and looted the bar, discovering a postcard with a picture of the SAINT MICHAEL CLOCK TOWER, which is a LANDMARK OF RACCOON CITY. Upon receiving this file, Nemesis threw a brick through the window, cracking Kate on the head. After checking she wasn't brain damaged, Jill informed her that she now had "gniwodahserof" imprinted on her forehead.

In the alleyway outside, the pair where attacked by six zombie policemen, who pushed down a barricade and slooooooooowwwwwwwllllllllyyyyyy advanced down the alleyway at them. Jill shot an irresponsibly-placed red barrel full of Explodium  and the pair revelled in the display of hot 32-bit gibbing action. Past the scattered entrails, Jill discovered that someone had taken a picture of the SWAT coming out of a van the other day. They also discovered that the RPD had tied a gate shut with rope they'd accidentally dropped in gasoline while passing this way during the zombie apocalypse. Kate just sawed through the rope with her knife.

Beyond, some zombie dogs leaped from a fire to attack them. Jill's boomstick quickly silenced them. Emerging in yet another street, Kate suggested that either Raccoon was seriously fricking filthy or the Tasmanian Devil had whirled through beforehand. Entering the gates of the R.P.D, the pair heard the gates open behind them. Jill gasped.

"J..Jill!" Brad said, looking about as bad as a fan after watching the second Resident Evil movie.  

"Brad!" Jill replied, with no expression.

"We've gotta-" Brad was cut off by Nemesis dropping down right the hell of out nowhere between him and the pair.

"S.T.A.R.S! (Gimme five!)" Nemesis roared. Brad followed his strict training and sprinted off into the nearest corner to soil himself. Unimpressed by this display of skill, Nemesis lifted Brad up by the head and… well…

Tentacles were involved. Make of that what you will.

Dropping the now virginity-less body of Brad, Nemsis lit up a cigarette.

"S.T.A.R.S (Good thing he was a virgin, I didn't want to catch anything.)" Nemesis growled. Jill looked to Kate, usually the first to act in times like this. Kate was still staring open-mouthed at Nemesis, wondering exactly which scientist thought it was a good idea to add tentacle-rape to the list of skills known by a B.O.W.

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"So the only way for me to reproduce is to rape my daughter," the mutated William Birkin said while traversing the Raccoon City sewers. "Worst. Virus. Ever.

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Jill glanced back at Nemesis. It was slowly advancing, ready to give its palm tentacle another workout.

"Aw shi-"