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Stories by Tiberius-Aires




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July 19, 2009
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Welcome to Umbrella

Chapter 1: Job Interview

July 24 1998

My name is Matthew Brennan. A few days ago I was Umbrella’s newest employee. Just a few days ago I still thought the company was at least sane. I guess a lot can change in a few days. Right now I’m in one of the crazy typewriter rooms that the Spencer mansion has scattered around. The only reason I can think of for that is that Spencer watched The Shining one time and now he wants to randomly type ‘All work and no play makes Spencer a dull boy’ or some shit. The mansion’s got enough freaking hallways if Spencer wants a little zombie kid on a tricycle roaming around. I don’t know why I’m keeping a diary – everyone and their dog at Umbrella seem to. I just hope that someone reads this and realizes how freaking insane the world’s become.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Three Days Ago...

It started as a pretty normal day, really. Several other prospective employees showed up at one of the Umbrella buildings in Raccoon City for the interview. Matt himself had difficulty showing up on time. The city was so crazily laid out that Matt found there were about four or five roads that could take cars and the rest of the city was accessed via cramped alleyways. Congestion was awful and the traffic collision statistics were the highest in the Midwest, but it at least meant that the citizens got plenty of exercise daily.

Matt emerged from Identical Alleyway #42 and found himself across the road from the Umbrella building. Darting across the road, Matt had to react quickly as a car swerved out of nowhere. The car just barely missed him, the slipstream ruffling the sleeves of his suit. Matt flipped off the driver and hurried into the building. He checked his watch. Exactly on time.

“Err, I’m here for the 10:00 job interview?” he asked the receptionist. She briefly looked up from her computer and pointed to a room down the hall. Racing into the room, Matt discovered that it was… an examination room? Other possible employees sat at desks with pens clutched in their hands and writing furiously on their papers. Matt looked around, a little confused. Someone pointed him to a spare seat and he sat down. He glanced at the paper.

Question One:  You must test the effects of a certain virus. You have no idea what it will do. You have several test animals of various species. What will you do?

A) Consider the ethical implications
B) Conduct parallel tests with control subjects.
C) INJECT THAT SHIT!


Matt did a double-take. He read the question three times just to make sure he wasn’t seeing things. Ignoring the obvious fake answer, he circled A.

Question Two: You have a monkey, a shark and a scorpion available to test a virus on. Would you;

A) Inject the monkey
B) Inject the shark
C) Inject the scorpion
D) Inject all of them AND a squirrel.

Ok… Nothing weird at all about this entrance exam…
Matt thought.

Question Three: An associate of the company may have stolen a developing Umbrella Product. Would you;

A) Attempt to convince him to return the product.
B) Threaten him with legal action
C) Send in the Death Squad

Wait a sec, WHAT!?
Matt reread option C. Yep, it definitely said ‘Death Squad’. Matt glanced at a question further along.

Question Fifteen: A test subject of the aquatic nature has escaped. How do you contain the situation?

A) Drop an active generator into its tank-

Ok, this is ridiculous,
Matt thought. Sighing, he decided to play along and finish the inane exam. After all the papers were collected up Matt waited in the lobby until the interviewer called him up to his office. Matt entered and took a seat. He noticed that his paper was on the man’s desk.

“Ah, there you are Mr….” he adjusted his glasses, “Barnaby.”

“It’s Brennan, sir, but close enough.”

The man shuffled Matt’s paper and glanced over it. “Oh dear,” he said. “Looks like you didn’t do very well. Indeed, you only got one question right.” Puzzled, Matt leaned over to look. It was Question Twenty-Seven: If you could choose one feature of a secret underground base, would it be;
A) An underground Dam
B) An elevator for trains
C) A pool of molten lead
D) None of the above

Matt had been a little bored by then. He hadn’t paid attention, and instead of circling D he accidentally circled C. Matt’s eyebrow raised as high it could physically go. A question rose in his throat.

“Of course we would have accepted A or B as well, but answer C has always been my personal favourite,” the man commented, and Matt couldn’t for the life of him work out of he was making fun of Matt.

“Of course, since 90% of our workforce was tragically lost last night in a lab accident, you’re hired Barnbaby!”

“It’s Brennan, sir,” Matt replied reflexively, “B-but what-?”

“There’ll be plenty of time for questions later!” the interviewer cut Matt off, slapping him on the back, “You start tomorrow! Report here at 9:00 am sharp! Find a lab coat if you can.”

With that Matt was bustled out of the office before he could draw breath. He stood in the corridor for at least a minute, staring at the blank door without believing what had just happened. Rubbing his eyes, he turned to walk down the corridor.

THWACK! Matt bounced off what felt like a brick wall and stumbled backwards. He looked up at what he had hit and found cold black sunglasses lenses boring into him. It was like the man’s eyes were firing death rays and the sunglasses diluted them to rays of pure malevolence.

“Excuse me,” the man remarked. At least, his mouth said ‘excuse me’. His voice said, “Unless you step aside within the next ten seconds you get to see what colour your small intestine is before I strangle you with it.” Matt stepped aside hurriedly.

“You’ve got red on you,” the man said over his shoulder. Matt looked down. The red pen in his pocket had burst. Now it looked like someone had shot him in the heart. It was a rented suit.

“FFFFFFFUUUUUUU-“
This is the first chapter of my new parody series, this one of Resident Evil. Inspired by Chrystalis and TheDarkId's Let's Plays, we follow the adventures of Matt Brennan and a yet-unseen second character as they make their way through the idiotic and logic-devoid world of Resident Evil, with drive-by sporkings.

WARNING: Some chapters may turn into Serious Business.
:icontarik94:
Tarik94 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2009
hahahahaha :XD:
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:iconchrystalis:
Chrystalis Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2009
Off to a great start :lmao:

You had me at "zombie kid on a tricycle" :XD:

The quiz questions were awesome and hilarious. Question two was my favorite.

Was that a Wesker cameo at the end there? *fangirls, illogically*

One small criticism: The point of view shift threw me a little, especially since the second section starts with the diary format date-at-the-top even though it's not a diary entry. I'd get rid of the date (replace it with a "Three days earlier..." maybe), and do something to make it clear that the diary entry above is more separate from the rest of the story. Center and italicize it, or something.
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:iconpaladin12345678:
Paladin12345678 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2009
What other Resident Evil character do you know who wears sunglasses indoors? Yeah, I was going to have it first-person, then I realized that I was sick of first-person writing. Now I'm doing it so each chapter begins with a note from one or both of the characters as written in a save room. Plus third person gives me more room to work with. Now, off to edit/write some moar.

Thanks for reading and critiquing :D
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