(some stuff that I forgot)
*looking at the Avatars in the water tanks*
Me: This has always pissed me off whenever people are floating around in tubes of water in sci-fi settings. HOW THE FUCK DO THEY BREATHE? They're not wearing masks or anything!
Friend: The water's mixed with bullshit.
Me:... I'll buy that.
Random Guy: Exopacks on.
Friend: I have no idea how those things work. They don't seem to have air hoses.
Me: Well they have little hoses that feed into a pack on their belts that filters the air.
Friend: Oh.
Me: Not that the MOVIE tells us that!
(back to chronological order)
*Grace showing Jake pictures of the important Na'Vi*
jake:... Neytiri...
Me: Oh look at that, saw her for five seconds and already wants to fill her with his toothpaste of love.
Norm: Who's Eywa? Only, their deity!
Friend (as Norm): Like, cha! Everyone knows about Eywa!
*Quaritch talking to Jake while booting up his mech*
Me: Check it out! You can see his nine-foot fucking knife right there! *points at the sheath*
Friend: Whoah. Do all mechs have that?
Me: Nope, it's an optional extra. (as Quaritch) This mech is too pussy. You know what it needs? A BIG FUCKING KNIFE!
*the team relocates to the Hallelujah Mountains*
Friend (as Grace): Yeah, about that whole 'selling us out to Quaritch' thing...
Trudy: You should see the looks on your faces.
Friend: Why do these mountains fly again?
Me: They've got Unobtanium in them. NOT THAT THE MOVIE TELLS US THAT! MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHERE DOES ALL THE WATER FOR THOSE WATERFALLS COME FROM? AND WHY THE FUCK DON'T THEY JUST MINE THE FUCKING MOUNTAINS AND NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH SMURFY CATS!?
Friend: Take your pills or I'll have to hit you with this bat.
*Jake wheeling around the mobile link building*
Me: You know, James Cameron is often known for his radical measures for realism in his scenes - such as dropping Leonardo diCaprio in ice-cold water and cutting off an actor's air supply underwater. Not to buck trend, Mr. Cameron jumped Sam Worthington in the carpark with a baseball bat and broke his spine so that he could give a more realistic performance as Jake Sully.
Friend: What about the scenes as the Avatar?
Me: He filmed those first.
Friend: Oh.
Grace: You'll take this one. She's the least glitchy.
Me: What the hell does a glitch entail, having a random spazz attack?
Friend: Involuntarily voiding your bowels.
Jake: The Na'Vi have this deep connection with nature.
Me: What Mr. Cameron doesn't seem to understand is that the Native American tribes learned to live with nature because if they didn't NATURE FUCKING KILLED THEM.
*Jake and Neytiri running through the forest*
Me: Ok, either the Na'Vi managed to invent Parkour or Ezio Auditore designed this forest!
*Jake jumps onto giant leaves*
Friend: I hope you die.
*Jake is trying to learn Na'Vi and Neytiri slaps him for getting a word wrong*
Friend: Yeah Neytiri, slap him! Smack the taste out of his mouth!
*Jake is getting taught how to fire a bow*
Me: Ummm... that's not how you use a bow.
Friend: Huh?
Me: I've done archery a few times. I KNOW MORE ABOUT ARCHERY THAN THESE DOUCHEBAGS!
Friend: Slap him some more Neytiri, that always works well.
Me (as Neytiri): Allow me to get WAY too close for comfort, Jake Sully.
*Jake hunting an animal that flashes an incredibly stupid expression*
Me: OH MY GOD! *bursts out laughing* That is the most hilarious 'surprised' expression I have ever seen!
Friend: Maybe it's the arousal response.
Me (as animal): A Na'Vi! I hope it brings its hair tentacles...
*Jake stabs the animal in the heart*
Me: Wha- WAIT A SECOND! Where the fuck did he get a knife? Do the Na'Vi extract those from their asses?
Friend: They got it from the knife-tree.
*Direhorse eats flower nectar with long tongue*
Friend:... ew.
*Jake learning to ride a Direhorse*
Jake: Good boy.
Neytiri: She is female.
Me: How the hell was he supposed to know? It doesn't have any reproductive organs! THE BIOLOGY OF THESE ANIMALS MAKES NO SENSE!
*Jake makes the bond with the Direhorse*
Me (as Neytiri): Now you are pregnant Jake Sully.
*Tsu'Tey rides up as Jake falls off*
Tsu'Tey: He will never learn our ways.
Friend (as Tsu'Tey): He didn't learn it in five seconds! HE IS NOT A TRUE NA'VI!
Jake: I'm starting to feel like out there is the real world, and in here is the dream.
Friend (as Jake): I'm also starting to feel like a World of Warcraft addict. Ah well, gotta log in again, Neytiri said she was gonna run me through Deadmines and get me my mount.
*Norm is teaching Jake to speak Na'Vi with large arm gestures*
Me (as Norm but with Spoony's Terl voice): You've got to EMOTE! I'm really angry!
Friend (as Jake in similar voice): I'm really angry.
Me (as Norm in similar voice): I'm REALLY angry.
Friend (as Jake in similar voice): I'M ACTING! *broad hand gestures*
Me: And Jake speaks Na'Vi a grand total of once. Can this guy actually retain ANYTHING people say to him?
*just randomly during something else*
Me: Hey, you know in the original script Norm and Trudy were an item.
Friend: Er, whut?
Me: Yeah, talk about punching above your weight. Jake wakes up once time and catches them doing the horizontal monster mash.
Friend: Lucky bastard.
*more frolicking montages*
Me: Does the thought EVER cross his mind to, I don't know MENTION THE FUCKING GENOCIDE BEARING DOWN UPON THEM?
Friend: He keeps a journal. Each page has 'tell about impending doom' and 'frolic' written on it. He keeps ticking 'frolic'.
*Neytiri flies around on her Banshee right next to Jake*
Me (as Neytiri): Wow Jake, this is so awesome! I bet you wish you could do this! Oh that's right, you can't ride a banshee! Sucks to be you.
Friend (as Jake):... bitch
Me (in Spoony voice): I heard that, Jake.
*Na'Vi crawling up the mountains to the Banshee nest*
Friend: If it wasn't incredibly dangerous the Na'Vi wouldn't bother doing it.
*Na'Vi reach the top*
Me: Check out the guy on the right! He's spazzing out! (as Gollum) My precious Banshees. Precioussss...
Friend: He's having a glitch.
Tsu'Tey: Jakesully will go first.
Me (as Jake): Here, hold my shit.
*Jake wrassles the Banshee to the ground and makes the bond*
Me(as Jake with a creepy pedo voice): Yesss, I snuck into your home and wrassled you into submission. Now I'm forcibly raping your mind with my mind tentacles. I Looooove nature.
Jake: Shiiiiiit!
Friend: But if the Banshee responds to his commands... *horrified face*
Me (as random Marine): SPLAT! Ew what the hell just shat on me?
Jake: Shut up and fly straight! *the banshee does so*
Me: Hey, I just thought of something. The human brain can't process a negative - like someone telling you not to think of pink elephants. Just have guys with megaphones shouting 'dive bomb crazily into the ground'!
Friend: But the Na'Vi CAN process negatives. Because they're perfect.
Me: *mimes strangling both him and me at the same time*
*Jake randomly flying around*
Me: Ok seriously, this is not a fucking mutual bond. The Banshee has shown no signs of any control. THIS IS MIND CONTROL. EVIL, MAD SCIENTIST MIND CONTROL! THAT IS NOT GOOD!
STAY TUNED FOR PART 4
BONUS! Random MSTing.
Watching Twilight with my brother on TV
*Bella makes loving eye contact with Edward and happens to be standing in front of a fan which dramatically waves her hair*
Both my brother and I laugh uncontrollably and have to pause it until we collect ourselves.
*Bella getting accosted by rapists*
Me: You'd think a woman about to be violently gang-raped would be looking, I dunno, scared. Nope, not Bella. She's still blank as a lobotomy patient.
Bella: You're a vampire.
Me: Holy shit! She's actually expressing an emotion! She looks scared- ah crap, it's gone.
Edward: Are you afraid?
Me (as Edward): It's just that you're so expressionless that I can't tell.
*Jasper walks into the house*
Me: He's looking pained because he read the script.
Brother: I'm so glad I never took a girl to this movie. I would have killed myself.
Me: You could have shown them a horrible female role model - completely passive and worthless without her man.
Brother: But that's not a stereotype. Women are like that.
Me *absolute stony silence*
*moar Kristen Steward blankness*
Me: Seriously, is she on horse tranquilizers or something? EMOTE, BITCH!
Brother: I must say though, she has quite a nice ass. I would destroy that ass. She wouldn't be able to sit down for weeks.
Me *moar stony silence*
Finishing Heavy Rain with my aforementioned friend watching,
*checking the drawer in The Killer's Place*
Madison: He used to be a cop!
*checks a drawer that has a gun inside*
Friend (as Madison): He used to be a gun!
*The Origami killer holds Madison at gunpoint then shoves her into the secret room*
Friend: Oh gee, don't shoot her or anything.
*Madison breaks down the wall and crawls into the bathroom*
Me (as Madison): MADISON SMASH!
Me: Quick, to the refrigerator!
Friend: Huh?
Me: I read it on the internet. I have to hide in the fridge.
Friend: So you're Indiana Jones' long-lost sister.
Me (as Madison): I saw this in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull! I fail to see how this could go wrong!
*Ethan strains to lift the grate over Shaun*
Me (as Ethan): HULK STRENGTH!
*Ethan performs CPR which doesn't seem to work*
Me: No! No, I call bullshit on this! If I have to replay the game to save Shaun I'll-
*Shaun coughs and wakes up*
Me: FUCK YOU KID!
*Jayden fighting the Origami killer*
Me: A disappointing amount of this is just them throwing shit at each other.
Friend: OH SHIT! He just brained him with a flatscreen TV!
*The Origami killer picks up a sledgehammer*
Friend: Ok, who throws away a perfectly good sledgehammer?
*Jayden helps the Origami killer up, but fights him again and he falls off the edge*
Me: SHIT! I was supposed to keep him alive! How come he died? If I have to replay the game...
Friend: Maybe he's still alive?
*cut to the grinding machine way below Jayden covered in blood*
Friend: ooooooor not...
*Ethan, Madison and Shaun walk into new apartment*
Me: Shaun seems quite happy for someone who was KIDNAPPED BY A SERIAL KILLER.
Friend (as Ethan): Hey son, remember when you almost died? That was fun.
Me: Imagine next time Shaun misbehaves.
Friend (as Shaun): But daaaad, I want to go to the party.
Me (as Ethan): I crawled over broken glass to save you, Shaun. I CUT OFF MY OWN FUCKING FINGER! You will do what I say!
Friend (as Shaun): Yes sir.