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Paladin12345678

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I've been thinking for a bit and the plot bunnies are getting insistent, so I have to ask all one of the people who actually read this. Is there any way that I could bring Jade back without seeming REEEEEALLY cheap? I just think that I wasted Jade's character a little by killing her off like that. So I wanted to do a sequel, but there isn't much opportunity with just Marty. Thoughts?
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Good news all those following this journal! I totally legally and in no way got a stolen version of Avatar on my USB, which is also completely legal, by the way. So with my legally legal not-pirated copy, I'll have even MOAR riffing for your viewing pleasure. That is, on top of what I can remember from when my friend and I saw it.

If you tell James Cameron I got a free copy of his movie... tell him that's what it's worth.

*Jake playfully buffs Neytiri when they're out flying, and Tsu'Tey looks annoyed*
Me (as Tsu'Tey): Stop screwing around! We have random flying around to do!

Grace: The Tree of Souls. It's their most sacred place.
Me (as Jake): Oh, so I shouldn't have whizzed on it, then?

Grace: There is something really interesting going on down there, biologically.
Me: You mean bullshit. Just so we're clear.

Grace: I would die to get samples there.
Me (as Grace): As in, die! D-I-E, die? I would DIE to get samples? Did you hear, I would DIE-
Friend (as Jake): We get it Grace, now shut up!

*Toruk attacks Jake and neytiri*
Me (as Jake): Run away, it's a clumsy foreshadowing Big-Lipped Alligator Moment!

*Toruk gets caught up in vines*
Friend: Oh, if only it could GO AROUND.

*Jake and Neytiri's Banshees hook onto a tree*
Me: I don't care what you say, that CAN'T be comfortable.

*Jake and Neytiri laugh*
Me (as Neytiri): We almost died, HAHAHAHA!
Friend: Awkward romance... building...

Jake: Everything is backwards now... like out there is the real world and in here is the dream.
Me: Oh geez, first he's a government-sponsored furry and now he's an Otherkin.

Jake: I barely remember who I am anymore.
Me: Yep, definately an Otherkin.
Friend (as Jake): Welp, I like being a smurfy-cat. Time to betray my race.

*Quaritch walks into the cafeteria where Jake is*
Me (as Quaritch): Allow me to sit in a position which highlights my enormous package.

Quaritch: This Tree of Souls stuff, it's good, usable intel.
Me (as Quaritch): Which is why I will completely fail to use it until it's too late.

Quaritch: I got your legs back - it's a done deal.
Me: This is good, Jake! Take the deal! It's like you WANT to be a Smurf for the rest of your life.

Jake: One more test, and I'm one of them.
Friend (as Jake): This is totally why I haven't mentioned the relocation thing for three months. Yes siree, I didn't just lose track of time or forget. Nope...

*Grace watching Jake's initiation*
Friend: Hey wait a sec, she gets a human nose? Everyone else got screwed!
Me: Why are initiations good things? Why should someone have to arbitrarily prove their worth before they're accepted by their people? (is secretly thinking about Into the Wild)
Friend: Don't question the Na'Vi.

*Jake and Neytiri running*
Me (deadpan): Oh look, more frolicking. We have not seen any of this before.

*weird glowing creatures pop up*
Me: Um, how is that a useful evolutionary trait at all? All it does is make itself a bright target and disorient itself.
Friend: The predator dies laughing, like that other thing's arousal expression.
Me: *laugh* Don't remind me.

Neytiri: Come, come!
Me (as Jake): Durrrr, what? Sorry, I was looking at pretty coloured things again.
Friend (as Neytiri): I said come over here and make love to me, fool!

*Neytiri and Jake walk through the Tree of Voices*
Me: Those things look like giant jellyfish stingers. Just saying
Friend: Imagine if they really were.
Me: Then I would laugh maniacally as Jake dies.
Friend:... seek help.
Me: NEVER.

*Jake connects to the Tree of Voices*
Me: WHOAH, did you see that? Jake's pupils just dilated MASSIVELY. Whatever acid is in that tree, I want some.

Neytiri: They live, Jake.
Me: *gets a bit sad thinking about the end of Into the Wild*

Neytiri: You may make your bow from the wood of Hometree.
Friend (as Neytiri): Also, I perfected my English in five seconds. Like it?

Jake: I don't want Nin'At.
Friend (as Jake): She's fat and smells bad.

Jake: I've already chosen.
Me (as Jake): So feel free to disregard your entire tribe and make love to me.

*Jake and Neytiri start the foreplay*
Me: Aaaaaaaand BUST OUT THE TENTACLES!
Friend (as Neytiri): Now you are pregant Jake Sully.
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(some stuff that I forgot)
*looking at the Avatars in the water tanks*
Me: This has always pissed me off whenever people are floating around in tubes of water in sci-fi settings. HOW THE FUCK DO THEY BREATHE? They're not wearing masks or anything!
Friend: The water's mixed with bullshit.
Me:... I'll buy that.

Random Guy: Exopacks on.
Friend: I have no idea how those things work. They don't seem to have air hoses.
Me: Well they have little hoses that feed into a pack on their belts that filters the air.
Friend: Oh.
Me: Not that the MOVIE tells us that!

(back to chronological order)

*Grace showing Jake pictures of the important Na'Vi*
jake:... Neytiri...
Me: Oh look at that, saw her for five seconds and already wants to fill her with his toothpaste of love.

Norm: Who's Eywa? Only, their deity!
Friend (as Norm): Like, cha! Everyone knows about Eywa!

*Quaritch talking to Jake while booting up his mech*
Me: Check it out! You can see his nine-foot fucking knife right there! *points at the sheath*
Friend: Whoah. Do all mechs have that?
Me: Nope, it's an optional extra. (as Quaritch) This mech is too pussy. You know what it needs? A BIG FUCKING KNIFE!

*the team relocates to the Hallelujah Mountains*
Friend (as Grace): Yeah, about that whole 'selling us out to Quaritch' thing...

Trudy: You should see the looks on your faces.
Friend: Why do these mountains fly again?
Me: They've got Unobtanium in them. NOT THAT THE MOVIE TELLS US THAT! MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHERE DOES ALL THE WATER FOR THOSE WATERFALLS COME FROM? AND WHY THE FUCK DON'T THEY JUST MINE THE FUCKING MOUNTAINS AND NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH SMURFY CATS!?
Friend: Take your pills or I'll have to hit you with this bat.

*Jake wheeling around the mobile link building*
Me: You know, James Cameron is often known for his radical measures for realism in his scenes - such as dropping Leonardo diCaprio in ice-cold water and cutting off an actor's air supply underwater. Not to buck trend, Mr. Cameron jumped Sam Worthington in the carpark with a baseball bat and broke his spine so that he could give a more realistic performance as Jake Sully.
Friend: What about the scenes as the Avatar?
Me: He filmed those first.
Friend: Oh.

Grace: You'll take this one. She's the least glitchy.
Me: What the hell does a glitch entail, having a random spazz attack?
Friend: Involuntarily voiding your bowels.

Jake: The Na'Vi have this deep connection with nature.
Me: What Mr. Cameron doesn't seem to understand is that the Native American tribes learned to live with nature because if they didn't NATURE FUCKING KILLED THEM.

*Jake and Neytiri running through the forest*
Me: Ok, either the Na'Vi managed to invent Parkour or Ezio Auditore designed this forest!

*Jake jumps onto giant leaves*
Friend: I hope you die.

*Jake is trying to learn Na'Vi and Neytiri slaps him for getting a word wrong*
Friend: Yeah Neytiri, slap him! Smack the taste out of his mouth!

*Jake is getting taught how to fire a bow*
Me: Ummm... that's not how you use a bow.
Friend: Huh?
Me: I've done archery a few times. I KNOW MORE ABOUT ARCHERY THAN THESE DOUCHEBAGS!
Friend: Slap him some more Neytiri, that always works well.
Me (as Neytiri): Allow me to get WAY too close for comfort, Jake Sully.

*Jake hunting an animal that flashes an incredibly stupid expression*
Me: OH MY GOD! *bursts out laughing* That is the most hilarious 'surprised' expression I have ever seen!
Friend: Maybe it's the arousal response.
Me (as animal): A Na'Vi! I hope it brings its hair tentacles...

*Jake stabs the animal in the heart*
Me: Wha- WAIT A SECOND! Where the fuck did he get a knife? Do the Na'Vi extract those from their asses?
Friend: They got it from the knife-tree.

*Direhorse eats flower nectar with long tongue*
Friend:... ew.

*Jake learning to ride a Direhorse*
Jake: Good boy.
Neytiri: She is female.
Me: How the hell was he supposed to know? It doesn't have any reproductive organs! THE BIOLOGY OF THESE ANIMALS MAKES NO SENSE!

*Jake makes the bond with the Direhorse*
Me (as Neytiri): Now you are pregnant Jake Sully.

*Tsu'Tey rides up as Jake falls off*
Tsu'Tey: He will never learn our ways.
Friend (as Tsu'Tey): He didn't learn it in five seconds! HE IS NOT A TRUE NA'VI!

Jake: I'm starting to feel like out there is the real world, and in here is the dream.
Friend (as Jake): I'm also starting to feel like a World of Warcraft addict. Ah well, gotta log in again, Neytiri said she was gonna run me through Deadmines and get me my mount.

*Norm is teaching Jake to speak Na'Vi with large arm gestures*
Me (as Norm but with Spoony's Terl voice): You've got to EMOTE! I'm really angry!
Friend (as Jake in similar voice): I'm really angry.
Me (as Norm in similar voice): I'm REALLY angry.
Friend (as Jake in similar voice): I'M ACTING! *broad hand gestures*
Me: And Jake speaks Na'Vi a grand total of once. Can this guy actually retain ANYTHING people say to him?

*just randomly during something else*
Me: Hey, you know in the original script Norm and Trudy were an item.
Friend: Er, whut?
Me: Yeah, talk about punching above your weight. Jake wakes up once time and catches them doing the horizontal monster mash.
Friend: Lucky bastard.

*more frolicking montages*
Me: Does the thought EVER cross his mind to, I don't know MENTION THE FUCKING GENOCIDE BEARING DOWN UPON THEM?
Friend: He keeps a journal. Each page has 'tell about impending doom' and 'frolic' written on it. He keeps ticking 'frolic'.

*Neytiri flies around on her Banshee right next to Jake*
Me (as Neytiri): Wow Jake, this is so awesome! I bet you wish you could do this! Oh that's right, you can't ride a banshee! Sucks to be you.
Friend (as Jake):... bitch
Me (in Spoony voice): I heard that, Jake.

*Na'Vi crawling up the mountains to the Banshee nest*
Friend: If it wasn't incredibly dangerous the Na'Vi wouldn't bother doing it.

*Na'Vi reach the top*
Me: Check out the guy on the right! He's spazzing out! (as Gollum) My precious Banshees. Precioussss...
Friend: He's having a glitch.

Tsu'Tey: Jakesully will go first.
Me (as Jake): Here, hold my shit.

*Jake wrassles the Banshee to the ground and makes the bond*
Me(as Jake with a creepy pedo voice): Yesss, I snuck into your home and wrassled you into submission. Now I'm forcibly raping your mind with my mind tentacles. I Looooove nature.

Jake: Shiiiiiit!
Friend: But if the Banshee responds to his commands... *horrified face*
Me (as random Marine): SPLAT! Ew what the hell just shat on me?

Jake: Shut up and fly straight! *the banshee does so*
Me: Hey, I just thought of something. The human brain can't process a negative - like someone telling you not to think of pink elephants. Just have guys with megaphones shouting 'dive bomb crazily into the ground'!
Friend: But the Na'Vi CAN process negatives. Because they're perfect.
Me: *mimes strangling both him and me at the same time*

*Jake randomly flying around*
Me: Ok seriously, this is not a fucking mutual bond. The Banshee has shown no signs of any control. THIS IS MIND CONTROL. EVIL, MAD SCIENTIST MIND CONTROL! THAT IS NOT GOOD!

STAY TUNED FOR PART 4

BONUS! Random MSTing.

Watching Twilight with my brother on TV

*Bella makes loving eye contact with Edward and happens to be standing in front of a fan which dramatically waves her hair*
Both my brother and I laugh uncontrollably and have to pause it until we collect ourselves.

*Bella getting accosted by rapists*
Me: You'd think a woman about to be violently gang-raped would be looking, I dunno, scared. Nope, not Bella. She's still blank as a lobotomy patient.

Bella: You're a vampire.
Me: Holy shit! She's actually expressing an emotion! She looks scared- ah crap, it's gone.

Edward: Are you afraid?
Me (as Edward): It's just that you're so expressionless that I can't tell.

*Jasper walks into the house*
Me: He's looking pained because he read the script.

Brother: I'm so glad I never took a girl to this movie. I would have killed myself.
Me: You could have shown them a horrible female role model - completely passive and worthless without her man.
Brother: But that's not a stereotype. Women are like that.
Me *absolute stony silence*

*moar Kristen Steward blankness*
Me: Seriously, is she on horse tranquilizers or something? EMOTE, BITCH!
Brother: I must say though, she has quite a nice ass. I would destroy that ass. She wouldn't be able to sit down for weeks.
Me *moar stony silence*

Finishing Heavy Rain with my aforementioned friend watching,
*checking the drawer in The Killer's Place*
Madison: He used to be a cop!
*checks a drawer that has a gun inside*
Friend (as Madison): He used to be a gun!

*The Origami killer holds Madison at gunpoint then shoves her into the secret room*
Friend: Oh gee, don't shoot her or anything.

*Madison breaks down the wall and crawls into the bathroom*
Me (as Madison): MADISON SMASH!

Me: Quick, to the refrigerator!
Friend: Huh?
Me: I read it on the internet. I have to hide in the fridge.
Friend: So you're Indiana Jones' long-lost sister.
Me (as Madison): I saw this in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull! I fail to see how this could go wrong!

*Ethan strains to lift the grate over Shaun*
Me (as Ethan): HULK STRENGTH!

*Ethan performs CPR which doesn't seem to work*
Me: No! No, I call bullshit on this! If I have to replay the game to save Shaun I'll-
*Shaun coughs and wakes up*
Me: FUCK YOU KID!

*Jayden fighting the Origami killer*
Me: A disappointing amount of this is just them throwing shit at each other.
Friend: OH SHIT! He just brained him with a flatscreen TV!

*The Origami killer picks up a sledgehammer*
Friend: Ok, who throws away a perfectly good sledgehammer?

*Jayden helps the Origami killer up, but fights him again and he falls off the edge*
Me: SHIT! I was supposed to keep him alive! How come he died? If I have to replay the game...
Friend: Maybe he's still alive?
*cut to the grinding machine way below Jayden covered in blood*
Friend: ooooooor not...

*Ethan, Madison and Shaun walk into new apartment*
Me: Shaun seems quite happy for someone who was KIDNAPPED BY A SERIAL KILLER.
Friend (as Ethan): Hey son, remember when you almost died? That was fun.
Me: Imagine next time Shaun misbehaves.
Friend (as Shaun): But daaaad, I want to go to the party.
Me (as Ethan): I crawled over broken glass to save you, Shaun. I CUT OFF MY OWN FUCKING FINGER! You will do what I say!
Friend (as Shaun): Yes sir.
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PART 2!

*Jake jumps off the cliff*
Friend: I don't care what you say, falling in to water from that height would kill you.
Me: Well, it wouldn't on Pandora because the gravity is lower and the air density is higher.
Friend: Oh.
Me: NOT THAT THE MOVIE TELLS US THAT!

*panning shot of waterfall*
Friend (awed): Wow, that greenscreen is amazing.

*Jake climbs out*
Me: And here we see a CG man holding a CG branch climbing out of a CG river covered in CG water. Do we even need actors anymore?
Friend (dramatically): We are gods of technology.

*Grace searching for Jake*
Friend: Um, what's so dramatic? He's not in danger. He can just wake up in the link bed.
Me: I like to thing they're getting all emotional about the possibility of losing the billion-dollar Avatar instead of him. I'm a bad person.

*Jake making a spear*
Me (as Jake): I swear to God if something comes at me IMMA POKE THE CRAP OUT OF IT!

*Neytiri stalks Jake*
Me: Oh my God, look at that! That is such a rapeface!

*Jake making a torch*
Me: Um, how does Jake know that sap is flammable? (I know now that sap is flammable, so don't say anything)
Friend: Maybe he played Uncharted 2 and assumed all sap is flammable.
Me: Or maybe he just wanted an excuse to remove his shirt.

*Neytiri bullet-time leaps into the fight*
Friend: The Matrix has you, Jake.
Me: I'm no expert, but generally hitting things with your bow is bad.

*Neytiri extinguishes the torch*
Me (as Jake): Oh look, there was a glow-in-the-dark forest literally two inches to my left herp derp.
Friend: And check it out. Now that she's here the forest is all sunshine and rainbows.

Neytiri: This is your fault!
Jake: How am I the bad guy? They attacked me!
Me (as Neytiri): It's your fault for being made of delicious meat!

*Jake slaps the Tree of Souls seed and Neytiri tells him not to*
Me (as Jake): Durrrr, you said not to but I'm gonna slap it anyway.

Neytiri: You are like a bay-beh!
Me (as Neytiri): How dare you not be perfect! You are no true Na'Vi!

Neytiri (in Na'Vi): I was going to kill him when I recieved a sign.
Friend: Good to see she's so casual about murder.

Neytiri: This is the chief, my father.
Me (as Jake): Durr, that means I should lunge forward like a moron.

*Mo'at stabs Jake and eats the blood*
Friend: Ahh, vampire Smurf!

Mo'at: It is hard to fill a cup that is already full.
Me (as Jake): Not to worry then, I'm a moron who doesn't know anything!
Friend (as Mo'at): Welcome aboard!

*wide shot of Na'Vi crowd*
Me: Oh come on, at least real-life extras have variation in physicality. These guys are all the same!

Jake: How you doing?
Friend (as random Na'Vi): I'm sorry, I can't reply because I don't have a voice actor.

*Neytiri hops into hammock*
Me: Oh gee, that's not unsafe in the slightest!
Friend: Imagine all the Na'Vi that slipped and broke their necks.
Me: Plus the hammocks have literally no protection from... anything nature-related.
Friend: I'm pretty sure we wouldn't chop down so many forests if they literally provided us housing like this.
Me: This movie makes me want to take a chainsaw to the trees in my backyard. Just because I can.

*Jake wakes up in link bed*
Me (as Grace): Oh yeah, we totally forgot about you.

Grace: And the last thing we see is this marine's ass disappearing with an angry Thanator chasing him. *laughter*
Me (as Jake): *sarcastic laughter* Yeah, I almost died you bunch of assholes.

Grace: For reasons I cannot begin to fathom the Omaticaya have chosen you.
Me (as Jake): Apparently it's because I'm an idiot who doesn't know anything. Go figure.

Stay tuned for part 3!
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PART 1

I watched Avatar again. I was very bored and I wanted to see a movie with my friend. But I'd been watching lots of Nostalgia Critic and Spoony Experiment, as well as hearing about MST3K. I decided that I wanted to try it, especially since my friend also didn't like it. Yes, I'm aware I purposely saw a movie I didn't like a second time, but I am very aware of the hypocrisy to there's no reason to point it out. So my friend and I sat in a secluded corner far from the main crowd and had our way. These are all the quips I can remember - and the quotes will be off.

Cryopod Guy: You have been in cryosleep for 4 years (blahblah) months. You will be weak. You will be hungry.
Me: And of course Jake has no problems hurling himself around.
Friend: He's the main character.

*Jake is wheeling out of the shuttle*
Me: Oh yeah, this is the part where Jake is totally invisible.
*AMP suit almost walks into Jake* Pilot: Hey, watch it!
Me: Hey, step back. His machine could kick the shit out of yours. It has rockets.

Quaritch: You are not in Kansas anymore.
Me: You are in Oz.

Quaritch: Everything that crawls and flies wants to eat your eyes out.
Friend: And there are the native women. I have already had sex with each and every one of them, of course. It was a fun afternoon.

*in the middle of the speech*
Friend: Hey, check it out, it's Peter Parker!
Me: Wha-? *sees Toby Maguire lookalike* Holy crap, it is!

Jake: Nothing like a security speech to put you at ease.
Friend: There's nothing more reassuring than being told that you're probably going to die very soon.

Grace: Where's my goddamn cigarette?
Me: I'm calling bullshit on this. Earth has no arable land left, and all their food is recycled. Where the hell are they getting tobacco?
Friend: It's a thousand-year-old cigarette?
Me: Or she pulled it out of her ass.
Friend: That's always a possibility.

Selfridge: This rock here is what we're here for. Unobtanium.
Me: It's made of plot. We were originally going to call it oil.

Norm: *speaking Na'Vi*
Me (as Grace): No, you still sound like a fag. Here, let me make it sound awesome.

Jake: *wakes up as Avatar* Hi guys.
Friend (as Jake): Ahm Australian now, mate.

*Jake starts to get up as the technicians tell him not to*
Me: and here we see a common occurance in this movie - Jake refusing to listen to people.
Friend: He seems to have some mad reverse psychology going.

*Jake runs out through a training ground*
Me: Hmm, let me count all the Avatars here that are never seen again. One... Two... three...
Friend: Four five six seven eight. Huh.

*Jake narrowly misses an AMP suit*
Friend: Maybe it's the same one before.
Me (as Jake): Bitch I could take you now!

*Grace tosses Jake a fruit*
Friend: Gee, nice job mastering it in two seconds while Norm had to practice for months.

*Jake eats the fruit*
Friend (as Grace): You weren't supposed to eat that.
Me (as Jake): What does it do?
Friend (as Grace): Causes an extreme case of the taco shits.

Grace: Don't play with that or you'll go blind.
Me: And thus later scenes are given horrifying subtext which we will have the pleasure of never being able to scrub from our brains.

*Grace locks the door*
Friend: Oh gee, nice job locking a cabin full of Avatars in a flimsy wooden cabin in a jungle where everything wants to eat you!'
Me: Seriously! A cabin full of them! Did anybody care about this plothole?

*Jake wanders off during test*
Me (as Jake): I know they wanted me to stay put and protect them but durrrr pretty flowers.

*Jake pokes more flowers*
Me (As Jake in an increasingly stupider voice): Dur hur they do funny things. Herp Derp.

Jake: *confronting Titanathore* What am I supposed to do, dance with it?
Friend (as Grace): No, you rape its brain with your tentacles! Gawd!

*Jake getting chased by Thanator*
Me: HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THE FUCKING CANNON YOU ARE CARRYING AROUND!?

*Jake fires at the Thanator*
Me: And apparently the fauna can absorb bullets like I absorb food. Hold me down or I might kill something.

Stay tuned for part 2!
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